Not my will

And He said to me, "Son of man, can these bones live?" And I answered, "O Lord God, Thou knowest." Again He said to me, "Prophesy over these bones, and say to them, 'O dry bones, hear the word of the Lord.' "Thus says the Lord God to these bones, ' BEHOLD, I will cause breath to enter you that you may come to life. And I will put sinews on you, make flesh grow back on you, cover you with skin, and put breath in you that you may come alive; and you will know that I am the Lord.'" Ezekiel 37:3-6

And He withdrew from them about a stone's throw, and He knelt down and began to pray, saying, "Father, if Thou art willing, remove this cup from Me; yet not My will, but Thine be done." Luke 22:41,42

These two verses, but mainly the second one, have been some of the most inspirational and difficult words to hear come from God. I will start with the verse from Ezekiel. This verse helped me get through the month of May. Not many of you know this, but during this month I was having severe acute headaches when I would lift weights. Being precautious I immediately sought out a neurologist. I saw a neurologist, and appointments for a CAT scan were immediately arranged. Got the CAT scans, but they were done incorrectly or not documented right, so I had to go back to the hospital to make sure everything was done right. Obviously everything is fine and I have not had any more headaches since (it was probably due to dehydration, low blood sugar, or incorrect breathing during sets). Now in describing the whole month this was happening, it seems fine and dandy- like it happened in this quick, happy-go-lucky way. This was not the case in the slightest. Every day I was being attacked with thoughts and delusions of brain cancer, aneurysms, etc. You see there was a lot of waiting in this process and the whole thing really took a month and a half to get settled (imagine what it could have been like with universal healthcare- sorry, not a fan). Essentially, in my delirium and attack, I was preparing myself to die. It sounds ridiculous, but that's what happens when you are waiting for test results.

During this time, I was going through a lot of spiritual warfare, and it is this verse that defeated it. When it says, "And I will put sinews on you, make flesh grow back on you, cover you with skin, and put breath in you that you may come alive; and you will know that I am the Lord," I just realized my life has nothing to do with me. God has breathed life into me! Notice in the verse it says that the Lord breathed life into the bones twice. Not only has He breathed life into us to become alive in a mortal state, but He has breathed everlasting life into us also (if you don't feel comfortable with that verse analysis, I would check the commentaries because it came through my own understanding and study). What does that mean for the circumstance I was in? It means that my life is not my own, Jesus has paid for it and He can do anything He wants with it. He is the one allowing my lungs and diaphragm to continue pumping oxygen into my blood. He is the one who has sparked the love of Christ in my heart. He is the one who gets to do with whatever He wants with my soul, mind and body, and because I know who He is by the Holy Spirit through His word, and I trust Him with my life.

It is a serious claim to "trust Him with your life." This leads me to discuss the next verse. Jesus says, "Yet not My will, but Thine be done." You see, this is EXACTLY what it looks like to trust God with Your life. If you can honestly, wholeheartedly say not what I want, but what You want, that maybe one of the surest signs of your trust and devotion to your Father. You see, I can say this about some things in my life, but honestly, I can't say this about most. What these verses did well was allow me to lay the things I held dear at the feet of my Father. This however, was to help me cope with the fact that I could have a brain tumor. Now that I don't have that diagnosis and am feeling healthy, it is a different different story, my friends.

You see, the things we lay down and have to give up at our Father's feet are the idols and sins in our lives. "Oh God, help me get over drugs. Oh God, help me to trust You in school. Oh God, help me to trust You in this relationship. Oh God, I give You my anxiety of getting a Job. Oh God, help me to be more holy." Besides the drugs, these are all prayers I have prayed in my life. However, in my time of waiting and war, the idol I was releasing to Him was my picture and dream of a family. Even though I was able to say, “Do what You wish with me,” when I was thinking something drastic was going to happen, now that it looks like I could be sticking around a little longer, it is incredibly harder to say the same thing with such certainty.

You see, God doesn't have to give me this at all. He doesn't have to bless me with a wife, and He doesn't have to bless me with children. I have this problem of thinking because I feel I was made to be a father that I will be one. Now please know I am not saying it is bad to desire these things, but I have to ask myself why do I desire these blessings? When good things become ultimate things, that is idolatry, and for most of my life I have idolized the idea of having a family. It actually comes from a very practical observation. Early on, I noticed that worldly success, fame, and fortune will not make you most happy but having a family will. So, do you know what I did? I pursued a family like someone would pursue success, fame, and fortune. I did however try to fit God in that pursuit, but I think we all know that God doesn't fit into anything, because He is EVERYTHING. So that's what I did. I pursued family rather than God by trying to get a job that will help me support a family, rather than utilize the God given gifts He has given me. I also pursued family rather than God by consuming my life with relationships so that I could marry.

This idol is just as deep as the idol of knowledge, and I would say it's rooted in me much deeper. When God reveals just how messed up your wiring is, it doesn't take a quick day to fix. No No No. My Dad has taught me about cars that an electrical problem is usually the hardest and most tedious problem to fix. Sometimes you may have to completely rewire the whole thing, and with sin and idolatry that is ALWAYS the case. So, again, just because I know the problem, doesn't mean I am fixed. This will take some time to work out, but by the grace of God, through the Holy Spirit, because of Jesus Christ, my circuitry will be made new. He is not only the Great Physician but the Great Mechanic too! har har har.

The rewiring begins with Jesus- that He knew He was going to be put to death and still prayed not My will buts Yours! He knew He was going to suffer! He didn't want to go through any of that. I mean would you? He trusted and loved His Father so much that He confidently prayed in this manner.

Ya know, I was thinking I would talk about readying yourself for a life where you completely dismantle and release your idols. For example, in my case, maybe realizing oh I should prepare myself for a life of celibacy because it is an idol in my life. I think the Spirit just revealed to me that that is just ridiculous. It is ridiculous for this reason: In the context of family, God has given us these relationships to help us understand Him more! This is how we/I should seek family- so that I can become closer and know God more! I will explain. By becoming a father you see deeper love for your children you have never known before. It is a hint of how the Father loves us. By becoming a husband you may come to realize how hard it is to live by grace. You see your reluctance to forgive and therefore, worship Jesus because He didn't think twice about lavishing this grace upon us. By becoming a wife you come to your husband in humility and ask for forgiveness, and he hopefully is quick to receive you. You worship Jesus because He is quicker to receive you (Of course this works vice-versa- husbands sinning against wives and wives forgiving).

You see, in a perfect world a family is a picture of the Trinity. The Trinity is love, plain and simple. For eternity sharing love is what the Trinity has been doing. This is where we get love. The love of the Trinity is so full and amazing that the Father has spilled it out for us through His Son by the Holy Spirit. This is amazing! This is the GOSPEL! And for those who are in Christ Jesus, we will be sharing in this love for the rest of eternity!

So this is how I, with the help of the Spirit, have to rewire my life. I cannot make family an ultimate thing because I know for a fact that because it is a finite entity it will never truly fulfill me. Instead, I must see family as a means of helping me understand the relationship I have with the Trinity, but at the same time knowing that I have already been given the Holy Spirit to be a partaker of the love of God! "And hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts by the Holy Spirit, who was given to us"- Romans 5:5! I have to seek Jesus in everything I do! I say not my will but Yours be done, Father! You have saved me, breathed LIFE in me, and I am yours to do with what You wish. But whatever it is I will know the love You have given me, and that is all I want to know.

"The heart is an idol factory"- John Calvin
http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/doctrine/worship-god-tranforms