You just got served. Now serve

"For we do not preach ourselves but Christ Jesus as Lord, and ourselves as your bond-servants for Jesus' sake." - 2 Corinthians 4:5

"For we never came with flattering speech, as you know, nor with a pretext for greed- God is witness- nor did we seek glory from men, either from you or from others, even though as apostles of Christ we might have asserted our authority." - 1 Thessalonians 2:1

I am going to begin this post with an excerpt from my journal-

August 26, 2009
Father, I ask for discernment in the following idol: idolizing being used by You in a way that I may feel good about Your work. I have to ask myself the following questions: Am I wanting to be used by You for my own glory or for Your glory? Am I wanting to be used by You, so I can feel more self-worth? Do I want to feel like I have a special gift, so I can feel more self-worth? Do I really want to be a glorified Earthly vessel or a Heavenly-glorified and Earthly-embarrassing vessel that serves You only? Am I really willing to discomfort my life for Your glory? Father, in Your timing help me to answer, "For Your Glory" with everything in my heart. Please do an open heart surgery on me to make me more humble and create in me a servant's heart. Not my will, but Yours, oh my Savior.

This may seem like an extremely specific and almost unnecessary prayer, but I find my answers unsettling sometimes. Here is what I catch myself wanting: Sometimes I just want to see what Jesus is doing in my life, so I can feel part of His mission (This is in terms of evangelizing and sharing the Gospel). You may say, "Jason, this is a pretty legit want." I would say to an extent. Here is what I mean: I used to find myself wanting to share the Gospel, simply to feel that I am doing my part and being productive for the Kingdom.

I hope you can see what's wrong with that desire. It is a desire for myself and for no one else. It is a desire to check something off in the list of things to do in the Christian's handbook. It's RELIGION. The selfishness comes from the fact that, I will gain pleasure from the act itself and not because the person I might be talking to will gain something.

How can I stop these selfish desires? I think it starts with having a Biblical depiction of Heaven and Hell and a sense of urgency. Once we realize that people do go to Hell, and Hell is a horrific and eternal life of suffering, we fight for the people we love. I will go a few days with out even having the slightest thought that the people I talk to may spend eternity in their own sin exponentially growing and causing an unrelenting suffering.

Christians can only do so much. There is nothing in our speech that can turn someone away from self and to Jesus. I have begun pleading with Jesus to go on a rescue mission for these souls. It is in intercessory prayer that I believe I defeat my selfishness. Once I realize that nothing about me apart from Jesus will ever be able to lead people to Him, and I plead for Him to work because He is mighty to save.

God truly answers prayers. I even pray that He will give me a love for nonbelievers, so that I can pray for them. If I can get to a place where I am praying for these people 90% of the time and talking to them about Jesus only 10% , I feel my heart will be truly wanting their good and not my own.

You see, I used to just want to help people just for the sake of helping people. This is great and all, but without the driving power of the Gospel I am not really helping them. I am just performing works. This is what I wanted to do in a job. I would say, "I just want to help people." What does that even mean? Help them feel good about themselves? Make their lives easier? Again, I have to rewire my humanistic motives to a Christ-centered mission. If the reason I am helping someone is not so that they know Jesus then I am doing absolutely no good. Every altruistic action I do must come from the driving mission for them to know Jesus. This is not just for nonbelievers, but for my brothers and sisters too. In living as "little Christs" we imitate our Savior. It's called "Stuntin' like my Daddy"-Lil Wayne.

I pray I move through the muck of my pride and desires for affirmation and just serve because I have been served. That's right "You just got served," by the Lover of our souls, the King of kings, the Lamb of God, the ultimate Subject of God's wrath for those who believe, and His name is JESUS. So, just like the LAW was written on a stone tablet, Jesus has written Himself on our hearts, and just like the LAW was a message to the Israelites, we, ourselves, act as letters from the Cross to every person we interact with (2 Corinthians 3:2,3).

Not my will

And He said to me, "Son of man, can these bones live?" And I answered, "O Lord God, Thou knowest." Again He said to me, "Prophesy over these bones, and say to them, 'O dry bones, hear the word of the Lord.' "Thus says the Lord God to these bones, ' BEHOLD, I will cause breath to enter you that you may come to life. And I will put sinews on you, make flesh grow back on you, cover you with skin, and put breath in you that you may come alive; and you will know that I am the Lord.'" Ezekiel 37:3-6

And He withdrew from them about a stone's throw, and He knelt down and began to pray, saying, "Father, if Thou art willing, remove this cup from Me; yet not My will, but Thine be done." Luke 22:41,42

These two verses, but mainly the second one, have been some of the most inspirational and difficult words to hear come from God. I will start with the verse from Ezekiel. This verse helped me get through the month of May. Not many of you know this, but during this month I was having severe acute headaches when I would lift weights. Being precautious I immediately sought out a neurologist. I saw a neurologist, and appointments for a CAT scan were immediately arranged. Got the CAT scans, but they were done incorrectly or not documented right, so I had to go back to the hospital to make sure everything was done right. Obviously everything is fine and I have not had any more headaches since (it was probably due to dehydration, low blood sugar, or incorrect breathing during sets). Now in describing the whole month this was happening, it seems fine and dandy- like it happened in this quick, happy-go-lucky way. This was not the case in the slightest. Every day I was being attacked with thoughts and delusions of brain cancer, aneurysms, etc. You see there was a lot of waiting in this process and the whole thing really took a month and a half to get settled (imagine what it could have been like with universal healthcare- sorry, not a fan). Essentially, in my delirium and attack, I was preparing myself to die. It sounds ridiculous, but that's what happens when you are waiting for test results.

During this time, I was going through a lot of spiritual warfare, and it is this verse that defeated it. When it says, "And I will put sinews on you, make flesh grow back on you, cover you with skin, and put breath in you that you may come alive; and you will know that I am the Lord," I just realized my life has nothing to do with me. God has breathed life into me! Notice in the verse it says that the Lord breathed life into the bones twice. Not only has He breathed life into us to become alive in a mortal state, but He has breathed everlasting life into us also (if you don't feel comfortable with that verse analysis, I would check the commentaries because it came through my own understanding and study). What does that mean for the circumstance I was in? It means that my life is not my own, Jesus has paid for it and He can do anything He wants with it. He is the one allowing my lungs and diaphragm to continue pumping oxygen into my blood. He is the one who has sparked the love of Christ in my heart. He is the one who gets to do with whatever He wants with my soul, mind and body, and because I know who He is by the Holy Spirit through His word, and I trust Him with my life.

It is a serious claim to "trust Him with your life." This leads me to discuss the next verse. Jesus says, "Yet not My will, but Thine be done." You see, this is EXACTLY what it looks like to trust God with Your life. If you can honestly, wholeheartedly say not what I want, but what You want, that maybe one of the surest signs of your trust and devotion to your Father. You see, I can say this about some things in my life, but honestly, I can't say this about most. What these verses did well was allow me to lay the things I held dear at the feet of my Father. This however, was to help me cope with the fact that I could have a brain tumor. Now that I don't have that diagnosis and am feeling healthy, it is a different different story, my friends.

You see, the things we lay down and have to give up at our Father's feet are the idols and sins in our lives. "Oh God, help me get over drugs. Oh God, help me to trust You in school. Oh God, help me to trust You in this relationship. Oh God, I give You my anxiety of getting a Job. Oh God, help me to be more holy." Besides the drugs, these are all prayers I have prayed in my life. However, in my time of waiting and war, the idol I was releasing to Him was my picture and dream of a family. Even though I was able to say, “Do what You wish with me,” when I was thinking something drastic was going to happen, now that it looks like I could be sticking around a little longer, it is incredibly harder to say the same thing with such certainty.

You see, God doesn't have to give me this at all. He doesn't have to bless me with a wife, and He doesn't have to bless me with children. I have this problem of thinking because I feel I was made to be a father that I will be one. Now please know I am not saying it is bad to desire these things, but I have to ask myself why do I desire these blessings? When good things become ultimate things, that is idolatry, and for most of my life I have idolized the idea of having a family. It actually comes from a very practical observation. Early on, I noticed that worldly success, fame, and fortune will not make you most happy but having a family will. So, do you know what I did? I pursued a family like someone would pursue success, fame, and fortune. I did however try to fit God in that pursuit, but I think we all know that God doesn't fit into anything, because He is EVERYTHING. So that's what I did. I pursued family rather than God by trying to get a job that will help me support a family, rather than utilize the God given gifts He has given me. I also pursued family rather than God by consuming my life with relationships so that I could marry.

This idol is just as deep as the idol of knowledge, and I would say it's rooted in me much deeper. When God reveals just how messed up your wiring is, it doesn't take a quick day to fix. No No No. My Dad has taught me about cars that an electrical problem is usually the hardest and most tedious problem to fix. Sometimes you may have to completely rewire the whole thing, and with sin and idolatry that is ALWAYS the case. So, again, just because I know the problem, doesn't mean I am fixed. This will take some time to work out, but by the grace of God, through the Holy Spirit, because of Jesus Christ, my circuitry will be made new. He is not only the Great Physician but the Great Mechanic too! har har har.

The rewiring begins with Jesus- that He knew He was going to be put to death and still prayed not My will buts Yours! He knew He was going to suffer! He didn't want to go through any of that. I mean would you? He trusted and loved His Father so much that He confidently prayed in this manner.

Ya know, I was thinking I would talk about readying yourself for a life where you completely dismantle and release your idols. For example, in my case, maybe realizing oh I should prepare myself for a life of celibacy because it is an idol in my life. I think the Spirit just revealed to me that that is just ridiculous. It is ridiculous for this reason: In the context of family, God has given us these relationships to help us understand Him more! This is how we/I should seek family- so that I can become closer and know God more! I will explain. By becoming a father you see deeper love for your children you have never known before. It is a hint of how the Father loves us. By becoming a husband you may come to realize how hard it is to live by grace. You see your reluctance to forgive and therefore, worship Jesus because He didn't think twice about lavishing this grace upon us. By becoming a wife you come to your husband in humility and ask for forgiveness, and he hopefully is quick to receive you. You worship Jesus because He is quicker to receive you (Of course this works vice-versa- husbands sinning against wives and wives forgiving).

You see, in a perfect world a family is a picture of the Trinity. The Trinity is love, plain and simple. For eternity sharing love is what the Trinity has been doing. This is where we get love. The love of the Trinity is so full and amazing that the Father has spilled it out for us through His Son by the Holy Spirit. This is amazing! This is the GOSPEL! And for those who are in Christ Jesus, we will be sharing in this love for the rest of eternity!

So this is how I, with the help of the Spirit, have to rewire my life. I cannot make family an ultimate thing because I know for a fact that because it is a finite entity it will never truly fulfill me. Instead, I must see family as a means of helping me understand the relationship I have with the Trinity, but at the same time knowing that I have already been given the Holy Spirit to be a partaker of the love of God! "And hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts by the Holy Spirit, who was given to us"- Romans 5:5! I have to seek Jesus in everything I do! I say not my will but Yours be done, Father! You have saved me, breathed LIFE in me, and I am yours to do with what You wish. But whatever it is I will know the love You have given me, and that is all I want to know.

"The heart is an idol factory"- John Calvin
http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/doctrine/worship-god-tranforms

Jesus had to die because of this...

I have absolutely no idea what I am about to write. It's just one of those nights where I have a million things are going on in my mind, and I may not be able to go to sleep because of it. First of all JESUS CHRIST is completely amazing. I recently listened to a sermon (what! Jason, you listen to sermons?) talking about idolatry. It was specifically idolatry in ministry, as it was being preached at a pastor's conference. But the thing is I was COMPLETELY guilty of all of it. So I think I am going to write about the idols in my life that have kept me from the love of Christ.

The most prominent and current idol is the idol of knowledge in my life. This has been going on for most of my college and post college years. I love deep Christian books. I just do. I love getting new and different information on Scripture to help my walk. It's probably the main reason I'm just not that patient and knowledgeable when it comes to the Word. This is a huge sin in my life. It leads to arrogance and pride, and I have to check myself so much. When I am debating or talking about Christianity, I HAVE to make sure I am not doing it to look and sound knowledgeable, because everything in me wants to be recognized. I absolutely hate it. I cannot not tell you how much I want to be recognized. I'll tell you where I think it started. When I was a kid I drew all the time. I mean I was drawing Ernie and Bert from Sesame Street at like 2 years old. From then on through school, church or anywhere else, I loved being recognized for my visual arts ability. In high school it probably shifted to wanting to be recognized as a "good/moral person." And in college and now it is wanting to be recognized as a "knowledgeable person of the Bible." This is something I have realized I have to fight. You see before Jesus tackled my heart, I was completely idolizing Theology more than I was idolizing Christ.

It is only by the Holy Spirit can I see this sin in my life, and just because I see it doesn't mean I don't have to fight it anymore. I firmly believe that sin can be conquered, and by the Holy Spirit given to me through Jesus Christ this will be accomplished. But there is SO MUCH work to be done on me. Romans 13:14 says "Put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh in regard to its lusts."

This is how I combat this idolatry and every other one I have. Mark Driscoll says, "Any theology that leads to arrogance and pride is idolatry." When I become prideful of anything I may know and then want to share that to someone in hopes of looking like I have it together, that is idolatry. I MUST PUT ON THE HUMILITY OF CHRIST. I tell myself that Christ gave up part of His divine knowledge to grow up just like I did. He set aside His divinity so that He could add to His humanity. When I say He set aside His divinity I don't mean that He gave up being God. Christ Jesus is God with us and there is no argument about that. He allowed Himself to go through the pains of being like us, having emotions like us, being tempted like us, and He did this all so that He could sympathize with us. Hebrews 4:16 says, "For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weakness, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin." Jesus has gone through everything I have gone through and MORE.

Another application that I have felt change my heart is submitting to the Holy Spirit. When I invite the Holy Spirit to work through me, I am basically saying, "Okay, so in no case ever will the knowledge and understanding I have be able to change someone's heart. Oh Holy Spirit, because of the sacrifice of Jesus, You have been sent to me to speak through me and use me. I don't change the hearts of man. You do."

It really is incredible how much I make good things ultimate things, and then pride is created from that. My pride is ridiculous. It might be the worst of sins because it can cause so much damage. It got Satan kicked out of Heaven. It caused Adam and Eve to disobey God. And it murdered Jesus Christ. Realizing that my pride is exactly the type of pride belonging to the pharisees will humble you really quickly. Not only did Jesus have to die for my sins and idolatry, but I am exactly the type of person who killed Him! Oh all the glory and praise belongs to You, Lord Jesus. When I yell Crucify Him Crucify Him, You plead to the Father to forgive us for we know not what they do. Thank you.

This may make completely no sense, but I am tired now so I will be able to sleep. I'll probably write about another idol of my mine next time. I'm thinking family is next on the list. Peace.